motion

to be or not to be. that is the question. will i advance a friendship or not.

on the outside

love is laughable. i don’t believe in sync when people supposedly understand each others. i don’t believe in people as far as relationship, partnership and companion. the concept of brotherhood and loyalty is foreign to me. i don’t believe in emotions and feelings on me and others. they’re a novelty as a subject to be analyze. there is no such thing as compassion. i don’t believe the surface of people because they are never honest. i only believe in myself that i can make a way out of it.

at the same time, there is a worrisome feeling of loss of people i’ve met. i don’t like loneliness. i don’t like it when i have absolutely no one to call and hang out at night. i don’t like being people-less. hell, i am worried about people leaving me because i had never been a good enough person — no one had ever loved me or could put up with me with grace. i never realized how difficult i am as a person since everyone had never step into my life with grace, lessons and understandings. everyone had hated me, abandoned me and flew away.

i also do not like people very much, as i tend to stick to a small group of people. solitude is frequently practiced. knowing i am a private person, i can only pick a few people to be around. i don’t believe in publicity and crowd; they are masquerade to me, a place where i smile and fly bullshit out of my mouth. also, it is a place for me to play mask games, but there are days i only want to sit alone and talk to nobody at a social gathering. i am increasingly bored and impatient with people and the world around me.

all i ever know is to listen if i can, talk and please others, smile and play hard to get, and have no emotions whatsoever. all i ever want to do is go to school, be discipline, do well, and go to a good university to be a doctor.

i only need to focus on school work, and be discipline. supposedly if i work hard and intelligently to get around, i should get high grades.

great grades does not yield to friendship. no one gets a free ride from me, and they all have to put up with me. this is the essence of my embodiment of my aspiring desire to become successful at the expense of my difficulty with people.

i’m already sick and tired of self-reinvention. why cant i be more pure, blunt and raw? in life, i only want to know how to win, do well and persuade everything in my way. everything else, i don’t care. essentially, that’s how it should be.

——

i dont belong to music. music does not belong to me. there is no time for music.

i generally do not understand lectures, so i am on my own. it is more i-either-get-it-or-i-don’t mentality.

i have poor comprehension skills, and i need to spend more time reading and listening.

i am the only one who needs to put the most extra time to perform my best. at the same time, i am also the one who need to spend more time alone at my best to match up with everyone.

i am probably the only one who cannot supposed to have leisure time.

i need to boil down to my realistic level of commitment and academic skills.

on compartmentalization and shut down

focus focus focus. i need to focus with a clean mind with a clear purpose.

regular passing people are rather insignificant whether they be classmates, familiar faces, club mates and frequent individuals. i am absolutely bored of absurd distraction keeping me several minutes to hours from achieving my day. one of my curiosity of its wonder is the concept of people can be social. the countless number of greeting and closing, the number of smiling and friendly gestures, and the mass signs indicating the social medium of an individual.

people bored me.

i dont like quiet people, and i dont like people who cant speak.

i dont like people who are slow to warm up and who also half assed to get to know people.

i want to stay focus knowing my priorities and people.

wasting time

my days are numbered as i become increasingly impatient each remaining moment. i rarely have time for unimportant matters despite my enormous availability. although i have succumb to detrimental habits such as sleeping throughout the day leaving little time for myself, my time is still limited reserved for priorities such as family, business and sometime friends. it seems with limited time of my own, i am dedicated to whatever cause that deserves my attention. i finally realized the kind of attitude i have with time because it is so limited, so important, and dare i say scarce. furthermore, it is more intensely invaluable at this near-ending formative age.

in the past several weeks in a month and a half time span, i acknowledge several things from wasteful habits, poor use of time, and to pointless activities. i spend money on excess events that yields no result and that doesn’t serve an important purpose to my life. one of the expensive events that i poorly invested my time on is:

excess spending on food because for a short period of time, i was always going out compensating some lack of intimacy or closeness. i really don’t believe in spending money due to poor excuses that there is nothing to do or to make up for something for myself especially that one time i spend the early dark morning at a 24 hours restaurant or at someone’s house or perhaps, at some asian towns. sometimes i eat alone and still spend quite a lot such as late night eating at a mexican places, or early evening at a ghetto eatery, or eating alone in my pitiful car. i need to stop spending money, for the sake of saving money, but the sake of saving myself from detrimental meaningless consumption that is eating me emotionally, financially, and my future alive.

i spend time on people that do no matter especially when i sacrifice grace for comfort and false sense of intimacy. although i do not understand the cause of this poor judgment, but of course, it needs to be stop, i know somewhere lurking at the back of my mind that is still wrong to betray myself with the improper use of language, attitude, expression and attention. i don’t want to lose my credibility by speaking nonsense because i want to be respectable when people can still look up to me and buy my words. i still hold power and authority, and that is what i truly believe, so i need to salvage my grace and persona. in addition, i shall not need to spend anymore money and time on people especially that one particular so-called friendship that gotten nowhere and online.

nevertheless, i will focus spending my time on important matters that will develop me as a whole and reach my full potential of becoming someone greater, relevant and possibly powerful. i will spend time on people that matter, and will spend a minimal of my own time to try something new and different as well, thus making room for fresh personal development. of course, i will spend time on my academic and study skills. i think i should reconsider my academic abilities and its strengths and weaknesses esp dropping my classes last month and its harmful effects. lastly, i must also remember that i must inspire and make people better each time i come in contact. most importantly, i will maximize my use of time.

note 1: i must not help others because i don’t want to benefit others. i must not guide others because i don’t want them to succeed. if i do help and guide others, i must also gain something as well.

note 2: staying focus or discarding emotions

i have given up making a friend.

i’ve given up because i want to clean after myself. therefore, i will shut people away, and i feel the need to isolate myself from the world. it is not getting any better, and sometimes i feel sloppy doing things without giving my all. actually, i probably am always sloppy with my physical noncommittal ways. there is no more necessity to fill in the void. i am nearly done.

there is this loss feeling that i will still cling onto with some hope that it will come to me and that if i have the proper timing, things will become smooth within. it is confusing, and i hate, hate my sloppy, unprofessional way of settling things.

i am a professional in life — as a student, as an emotional care giver, and as a friend. i noticed that i tend to do things in the most systematical way because i am very calculative with almost everything i do. not only i tend to maneuver situations, i am extremely a formulated person. everything in life are variables of an equation that i hope to aim for results.

i am persuasive in a way to bend things to my favor. if someone or something is not going the same direction as me, i tend to persuade as part of my equation. sometimes, i do miscalculate thus it ruined the entire purpose and eventually, i feel hopeless and left with no real results. hell hasn’t broke lose yet. next time, i must consider and think more critically and more steps ahead if i do get a no.

there is one thing i need to keep in mind: i need to be direct and be careful with my words. when asking someone to go with me, i must not give them options. i must give them justifications to why a particular friend should come with me.

i am at the verge end of devastation, feeling devastated and hurtful of my poor capability. i don’t know what more can i do anymore. how much more is there for me to climb over limitless broken blocks?

note

no more meetings

no more events

no more hellos …

i want to be gentle with my language and physical attitude while remaining sharp. i noticed that i have the capability of being brutal and hurtful with my harsh tongue and potential to be beyond destructive. therefore, my twisted self-inflicted tongue will uncoil itself with faith in myself and humanity. speaking of faith, having a seemingly positive exterior will be helpful in a long run despite my inner cruelty. fortunately, my priority right now is to gather significant others that matter at the moment. as of now, there is a particular friend i hope to collect.

my hurtful language should already turn many heads now. it is affecting my possible relationships especially J, A, S, and J. It has ruined my image, and my physical dignity. I have to keep it a perception. I want them to see me at least a good individual. Being wild and obnoxious have given me misguidance, making me a monster born from blackness.

i am going back, but i have going back with a better goal:

i want to make people feel good. i want to listen, follow up with their words, make them feel worthy, and positive. from now on, i want to come in contact with people and make them feel very good.

therefore, i will speak.

3 chances; 3 wishes

take every chance as a wish. i must do what i can to obtain results, and there i have only 3, and then it is over:

there is a meeting. my wish is to bond within similar interest.

there is thanksgiving. my wish is bond through novelty.

there is a bbq. my wish is to bond with my chest as a house. does that particular friend belong to my league or not?

lastly, there is nothing more. if i am lucky, it can continue on its own without me initiating any meeting or without me having to force myself.

                                               ——

i am doing this to evaluate the test of my capability; to see if i can befriend someone and gradually become their good friend. if i like someone to be part of my league, then i have every right to do so. i cannot lose myself through similar actions of insanity expecting a different result in a similar scenario. i cannot afford to lose any ounce of my character. it had driven me crazy in the past, and i never ever want to throw myself back to a black hole. i am new; i am different; i belong where i want and should. i worked and suffered hard because of it.

i am the kind of guy who wants result and who does not like to waste anymore time. unlike many others, i do not like to do things half-assed because that is very, very sloppy. i like to give it my all, so i can sweep my deserving reward.

in life, after years of not recognizing my detrimental flaw that being wishy-washy expecting something different with same actions have ruined me terribly. it has leave me a blackened, deeper mark each time i failed to have a webbed friend. at one point, i was lucky to have a loyal friend through my wishy-washy noncommittal behavior. that was just one time, and i am so damn blessed and thankful for the experience. this time, i cannot be the same person because there is no rare opportunity that could jump onto my lap. as usual, i always chase, and i will endeavor again for this chance. the chance to be someone, to be recognized for me as a rarity, as someone who can open more doors.

you see, if i particularly like and am fond of someone, i generally treat them better as if they were my own breeding kind. i take them in and care for them as a brother.